Hello, my non-existent readers. It’s me again.
You know what? I get the urge to write again because it has been too much these days. The overwhelming feeling of happiness and sadness alternates really quickly, I thought I had a mood disorder of some sort, but I realize my life has been just… bizarre. However, the most off-the-wall thing in my life is probably not merely the events (even though you KNOW it has been brutal!), but the person I have become.
I decided to write this, and not just bury it on a pile of folders inside of a drawer in my mind (think Spongebob) is solely because I stumble upon an old Miley Cyrus song on Tiktok. The lyrics went ‘I never would’ve believed you If three years ago you told me, I’d be here… writing this song ‘. Then it hits me. Looking back, I would not be able to handle the pressure and challenge that I face today. I would go insane over my mom’s cancer diagnosis. I would cry and get angry with everyone if the problem with my LPDP funding processes happened a short three years ago. I’d definitely blame myself if someone who has been texting me suddenly stops. I simply would not believe you if you told me that I would be here, way more even-tempered, shockingly affectionate, and considerably more tenderhearted towards myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I have never felt grateful for all of the obstacles and big rocks on my path, how could I? It leaves scrapes along my skin. But, now, my skills have improved in taking care of the wounds. I know better not to scream and kick if I get wounded. I know I need time to rest if I fall. AND I know I have to walk alongside a friend and ask for directions on an arduous trail.
I realize the journey would not get easier after this, but I also know how to adapt, learn, and keep pushing forward with the better version of myself.
Bandung, 5 May 2022. Knowing myself a little bit more everyday.
Originally published at http://crimsonandtawny.wordpress.com on May 5, 2022.
